I have decided to share my #metoo experience in the hopes of helping out others to not feel ashamed or afraid.
I was dating a man in my 20’s. We had an on/off relationship. He was very nice. We hit it off immediately. We became a couple very soon after meeting. I really liked him and we were spending quite a lot of time together. We had our problems occasionally, but nothing major. Not too far into the relationship he pushed me up against the kitchen counter among other minor but damaging behavior.
I just blew it off because my previous boyfriend used to abuse me all of the time. He was both physically and mentally abusive through most of our relationship. He said horrible things about me to our friends just to upset me, especially if I was in the room. He seemed to enjoy watching me cry and get upset. He hit me pretty regularly and slammed my hands into several doors while closing them. One night he had me on the floor trying to choke me. I almost blacked out before he stopped. He was severely damaging me mentally at every turn.
It still makes it difficult to trust people to this day. I feel as though I am not pretty, and I don’t deserve a to be in a loving relationship. This man made it very clear that I was unlovable and wanted the rest of our friends to know that. This was just what I was used to. I thought I must deserve it so I rolled with the punches, so to speak.
So, when my current boyfriend abused me physically I figured it was not a terrible relationship because he ‘only’ hit me a couple of times. So life went on as normal. We would meet up at local clubs and hang out together. We remained friends even when we broke up. But we kept going back to each other anyway. He did not physically abuse me after a few months when I spoke up and told him I wouldn’t allow that kind of behavior. He agreed and didn’t hit me again.
Once I saw him at one of the clubs that we used to frequent. He immediately came up to me and acted as though everything was fine now. He was very attentive which was so very nice after what I had endured in my previous relationship. It was almost a relief in a way because nobody was abusing me anymore.
But that changed.
One night we saw each other in a club and he was so happy to see me. We hadn’t seen each other for a little while due to our constant back and forth relationship. I agreed to go home with him that night and everything was great. He was really drunk that night and I remember helping him clean up the mess when he vomited from too much alcohol.
When we got into the bedroom he wanted to have sex. I didn’t want that because we were broken up at the time and I just was starting to get over things a little bit. Very little, but it was better to some degree. When I said no he didn’t care. He was drunk and angry with me because I had said no. So I thought everything was pretty much fine. Then he grabbed me, slammed me onto the floor, and ripped off my shirt and bra. He forced himself on me and there was nothing I could do about it except yell and cry.
After it was over, he crawled into bed and passed out. I was still on the floor because of what had just happened. I didn’t know what to do. I laid there on the floor for at least thirty minutes, maybe an hour. My head was under the bed and I was crying and hyperventilating. Each time I hyperventilated, my head hit the frame of the bed. It hurt but I just couldn’t move. I was frozen trying to process what had just happened. So not only was I raped, I was also damaging my head because I just couldn’t move and couldn’t stop hyperventilating. I finally got up a long time later. He was passed out cold so I didn’t have to deal with him afterward. I just picked up my clothes but found they were ripped badly enough that I could barely make use of them. I still had my jacket though so I could cover up and go home.
It was the middle of the night when I got home. I still lived with my mom at the time and thankfully she was fast asleep. I tried to sleep and not think about what had happened. I was second guessing myself whenever I thought of the word rape. I figured that because of our relationship, past and present, nobody would believe me. Not to mention I was ashamed and scared of saying anything to anyone.
He stopped by my workplace the next day all happy and normal. I told him I really didn’t want him there. He didn’t care and stayed anyway. I finally said, “You raped me last night”. He just looked at me and said “my whole family is a bunch of policemen. Who do you think they would believe?” He told me to report him if I wanted but people will just think that it was a bad night in a relationship. That cemented it for me. He knew and didn’t care at all.
I eventually got him out of my life. It was really difficult and it took a long time. He even asked me to marry him. This was a while after the incident. I was stupid and thought things would be okay but then decided not to be with him. I stayed friendly with him when I saw him. I didn’t need more drama by asking him to stay away.
So now it is 25 years later and I’m only just now saying anything. The only person I’ve ever told was Troy of House Spiral. He has tried to help me learn to trust people again. I am still very quiet and shy but I do socialize somewhat. It still scares me to this day when I think about what all happened. I’m trying to learn to let go of those feelings but it’s taking a very long time and is a lot of work, but I may get there someday.
House Spiral’s mission is to sell items in the store so Troy can make donations to different charities. The first he picked is RAINN. This is the nation’s flagship anti-sexual violence organization. I think that people think it’s a gimmick or something when they read our mission statement but know there is a store as well. The store exists as a way of helping others like me to get help and get out of the cycle of abuse but might not be willing to donate directly but would be willing to buy something nice and have the profits go to our cause.
We should all be lucky to know such a person who would do something like this, not for profit, but for charities. I hope this helps somebody out there who is like I was and think that they can’t get out. It takes a lot of courage to tell others what happened to you. Please get help if you find yourself in such a situation. Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s difficult to write out and I still have most of the mental damage and some shame to get through but that is being worked on.